So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
