I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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