I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
