it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
