I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
