How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
