I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I touched a dick in church today
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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