new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
