Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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