just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize