The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
