How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
