o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
