When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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