After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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