I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
