I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
