so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
