How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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