If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My breasts were aching with rage.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
