He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize