every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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