Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
