I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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