you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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