fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
