you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
