so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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