I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
