I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
