your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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