just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
