It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
