How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We need to get me chipped asap
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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