i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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