I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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