I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
