just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
