Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
