Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
