I got her a Nickelback box set.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
