there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
