I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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