my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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