i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
