It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
