just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
