hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
