dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
