If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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