I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
