the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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