I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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