we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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