I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
