She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
